Why I stopped waiting to start living.

Have you ever caught yourself believing or saying I’ll be happy when...?

I’ll be happy when…Insert your desire here.

Maybe it’s meet someone, buy a house, get the promotion or lose the weight.

The funny thing about I’ll be happy when is that the finish line keeps moving.

I know myself every time I have reached one milestone another appeared shortly afterward. The small high and then the actualised desire soon becomes the new normal. So a new desire takes its place.

Looking back on these times in my life I wasn’t chasing happiness, I was postponing it. I wasn’t living in the moment enjoying the now I was convincing myself each new thing would fill that niggling feeling.

Believing that peace lived in my future life.

I wasn’t waiting for life

I was missing it!

Longing

On reflection that niggling feeling is a longing for something whether it be purpose or love or peace...

We believe the things of the world will fill this and to a certain extent that can be true. If we live in purpose and live gratefully that is great, but when we aren’t we are putting off happiness until that thing comes...

One of the most obvious times in my life where the longing was huge was when I wanted children.

When it didn’t happen as we expected or when we expected it was tough. We aren’t talking a small wait here I had a 14 year infertility journey. I will say I learnt a lot from this experience. About myself, mindset, life, faith, habits and health.

This season in my life had lots of not only longing but physical and emotional toll.

We went down the route of IVF at the beginning and so we faced procedures, waiting hope and dissapointments which were hard!

We also faced pregnancy losses and the ineviable grief that comes with this.

So as you can imagine the longing had layers to it. I felt unworthy as a woman which now seems ridiculous to me. But at times back then I truly felt it!

The hardest parts were not the appointments, the medications, procedures they gave me hope and a little bit of a feeling of control of the situation.

The hardest part were the times I was alone with the hurt and the longing.

It was the ordinary days when my husband was working shifts and I was home alone, this is where I felt slightly empty inside or at worst grief.

That was when I would reach for control or distraction.

I just want to add that desiring is not a problem dreams and goals can help us evolve when pursued intentionally and healthily.

the problem is when you are longing for the next thing and living as though your life can’t begin properly until the longing is fulfilled.

I remember one of the distractions I used to use was binge-watching TV totally immersed in another world. Escaping my longing for a child.

This distraction would also include junk food and sometimes lots of it. Sugary food and takeaways.

I remember one particular occasion. It was my birthday and I was very stressed and burnt-out at the time I was in my final year of a degree as a mature student who was also working as a hairdresser in a family owned business. I had assignments and my final work placement for university looming. Along with buried grief from a pregnancy loss.

I had decided I was going to quote on quote treat myself to every yummy food I wanted and I went for it...

Nando’s chicken for Lunch

Cinema with Pick N Mix sweets

Takeaway dinner and icecream

I am pretty sure some cheesecake snuck in there too

Along with caffiene from some drinks

My body did not appreciate this at all

I remember we had sat down to binge watch some of the game of thrones ( which I still haven’t watched to this day).

When my heart started to race out of nowhere..

I had an Apple watch on and of course I did the worst thing I could have when having a panic symptoms I checked my pulse on the watch!

It was triple my resting heart rate!

After quite a while of trying different things to calm myself my heart rate remained high, I wasn’t hyperventalating but I felt scared!

So my husband drove me to our local hospital. They put me on a heart monitor and because I had a history of a heart mumur they called a cardiologist to check me over.

He checked my heart and reassured me that my heart mummur was in fact benign and that all seemed well.

I left without solid answers as to why it happened but I am pretty sure it was my body telling me I was putting it through too much! Sugar, Stress and caffiene!

I would like to say it was a turning point for me but it wasn’t at this time I felt too busy to analyse or make changes.

My turning point was a slow evolution of reflection, building faith, living intentionally and habit changes. Which I have since been able to put into a framework to reset myself every day.

I realised I couldn’t spend my life waiting for something that might never happen...

I needed to stop trying to distract, busy and numb myself.

Like I said it wasn’t an overnight thing I didn’t suddenly lose the longing.

I didn’t suddenly have all the answers.

I wasn’t suddenly pregnant

What changed was my mindset, and my habits, my way of living which we can unpack more over the coming weeks.

I stopped believing that my joy had to wait for my circumstances to catch up

I surrendered control, I gave up striving for a child.

At the time it was just releasing control.

But for me now I realise I was surrendering my worries to God. In doing this it reminds me that I don’t have to do things alone. If things don’t go as expected that is okay I am protected. This brings me a firm foundation of peace.

This and aligned intentional habits.

I didn’t realise at the time I was caught in a bad habit loop and a cycle. I was striving, escaping numbing and starting all over again. Over the coming weeks I will go into more detail in this cycle because I believe many of us live there without even realising.

Not every longing in my life has been this all encompassing sometimes they have been subtle and the cycle has been hard to detect.

But the question has never been how do I get rid myself of this cycle? it’s what can I do within it...

to be more intentional, to make better choices, to feel peace and purpose in the ordinary...

This week I invite you to notice when you think I’ll be happy when...

Because maybe you are living your life waiting for the longing to be fulfilled.

Until next time, thank you my friend

Remember Live Intentionally...